Should I publish this? Gosh…I really don’t know. It feels like something really personal, ya know? But at the same time, I feel like a lot of people out there must feel this way too, and maybe some of them feel alone. At least I have a great support system to lean on. I can’t imagine having to feel this way if I were on my own. I’m lucky that I don’t have to.
So…I see a therapist. I don’t think there is any shame in that. In fact, I think everyone should have a therapist. Honestly, there is nothing huge going on in my life right now that is negative. In fact, everything is really happy and I’m content right now. However, I still have this horrible sense of dread that fills me up sometimes.
I’ve been getting these feelings since I was very young. Like, about as far back as I can remember. The only difference is, I know there is something I can do about these awful feelings now and I didn’t know that was possible as a child. I don’t think it was anyone’s fault, either. I mean, as a child I could never put into words what was happening to me when dread seemed to take over my mind. I could also never form the language to describe that I was having a panic attack or why I needed to be in a quiet place for a moment. It’s really hard to have anxiety attacks, and I think it’s even worse for kids when if they can’t understand that those kinds of feelings aren’t necessary. Here is a video that came across my newsfeed on Facebook. I think it’s important for everyone to watch it so that they know the signs to look for in kids that have high anxiety.
Lately, my therapist and I have been discussing those overwhelming dread feelings. We have talked about how I am robbing myself of my full happiness by being so stuck in the mindset where I automatically go to the worst place possible in all situations. It dawned on me in the middle of something she said…
*DING!* A lightbulb went off.
It’s so obvious why I’m so terrified of losing everything. I hadn’t been able to place why I had so much random fear for seemingly no reason. It’s because this is the happiest i’ve ever been in my life and I’m so afraid of that going away. I’m afraid of going backwards. I’m afraid if those horrible panic attacks and feelings of “what’s wrong with me?” that I had in school.
I am afraid something terrible is going to happen to ruin my happiness and the people around me who are happy too.
I am so afraid of the worst that I forget to enjoy the good that’s happening. Hell, I just bought a house, the GREAT that’s happening.
I’ve really done some thinking about this for the last few days now and It’s starting to become easier to accept that bad things are going to happen, but I can’t let them stand in the way of me being happy now. It’s sometimes really hard to grasp that for me. However, I know that when I really get into that mindset, I feel a whole lot better. So…I’m trying me best to go with this way of thinking.
I once saw a quote that really resonated with me. It said, “If I prepare for the worst then I won’t get hurt.” That rang so true for me. I always feel like if I prepare myself mentally for bad things to happen then they won’t be as bad. And, by doing this, I’m robbing myself of peace now.
The point of this blog? To remind those out there that those feelings of dread are a sign of you pulling yourself down for no reason. See your doctor and talk about how you can improve how you feel but also take away the idea that you’re going to change your way of thinking.
You can’t let these feelings overpower you. Acceptance is key here. If something bad happens, you’ll get through it the best that you can, but worrying won’t make it any easier to deal with. So, why not enjoy the now and deal with the bad IF it actually comes along. Chances are, it won’t as much as you were expecting it to. And if it does for some reason, then it does. Right?
Don’t let anxiety run your life. Take charge of it and show it who’s boss. Instead of hiding from the feelings, address them- literally talk to yourself out loud if that’s what it takes. The important thing is that you feel better and that you take the time to appreciate what you have while you have it.
For my birthday, my sister sent me a little cloth bag that says, “Life is tough my darling, but so are you.” Whenever I find myself struggling to get through a difficult moment, I remember that little phrase and it really helps me. I hope it does the same for you, or that you can find a quote or phrase that speaks to you in that way.
For now, I’ll end the blog here because I feel like I have gotten some things off my chest that I’ve been wanting to say now for a while. I’ll also leave you on a high note and show you an adorable picture of my husband playing with our son from outside the window. <3
Aren’t they too cute?!
What are some ways you deal with your anxiety?
Do you have a therapist?
What are your favorite quotes?